The Morning After...

I called him in the morning. He said he was glad, but I would be surprised.

I told him that for him to say he doesn't like to screw but make love made me feel cheap because prior to him I never had rough, dirty talking, animal sex. For him to say this just isn't him is unfair and hurtful. He did clarify that by saying it was the way we had sex--he enjoyed that and it was better physically than he and his wife had, but he wants to be in love with the woman he is having sex with. I accept and understand that.

I then brought up that he is telling me I am insecure--which I know is true--but that in all of the time we have been together, last night was the first time we went anywhere together. And it was me paying to take him out to dinner. He got defensive and said we had coffee out twice and that we took the bike to the Central West End and had lunch and walked around in public. I said he actually went to dinner with the other girl. I feel like he never wanted to take me anywhere and it hurts when I know he did with her.

That is when things got ugly...

He told me, in a snotty way, that he is still friends with her, too, and she is cognizant enough of his needs that she knows that he isn't in any emotional place to have sex. She understands that he is not even divorced yet and that he isn't in a place to be in a relationship. So, I started crying, saying that I have been the one saying we need to spend time as friends, and I had no expectations last night, but almost immediately he started flirting with me and wanted to get together after his meeting. I always tell him to take care of himself first, then we can focus on "us" in whatever way we are - friends or more. I have been nothing but nice to him and have been very understanding and considerate and worry about him and have put his needs first, sometimes at the detriment of my own, which, I added, was my own fault and I was in no way blaming him for that.

He pointed out that it my own issue. I then said, though, that once again, He is the one comparing me unfavorably to this other girl. He is the one making me feel insecure by making me sound like I can't compete with her.

He said he never meant to hurt me, he admitted he is always the one pushing for things to become physical, and that he prayed for me last night that I find peace. He admitted to the things that he did wrong, although I have issues, too, that I can't project on him--which is true, but he projects far more than I do--and he was glad I called.

Sooo...we are now friends. Not FWB, but friends. He also said that if there is every anything I need, like to talk about the kids or something, that he wants me to call. I think he sees, too, that this friendship is more about me being there for him than he was for me. But it may be too late.

I hate to lose him as a friend, but I am not sure things will ever be the same after the blow-up, knowing he will never love me, which just makes me feel unlovable in general. And it is immature and insecure on my part, but I hate to think, too, that while going out as friends, he will STILL be comparing me to this other girl. Whom before he alluded he was no longer in contact with.

I just ache emotionally today. I am literally dehydrated from all of the tears.

Saturday Night Fight

I had a hectic weekend and a rough night last night.

Professor and I had an incident, and I ended up storming out of his apartment in tears.

His divorce is official February 1.

I took him out last night as a belated birthday dinner. I was sort of hoping to have sex, but I wasn't expecting it. Especially since I had told him earlier in the week that we need to be friends sometimes and not always friends with benefits. He agreed.

When I picked him for dinner, he immediately tells me he has to be at a meeting at 7:00. I was a little upset. First off, he could have had this said meeting earlier in the day, and putzed around so that he had to go Saturday night.
Secondly, I looked great, I was taking him to a great restaurant, and he immediately puts a damper on the evening.

He noticed I was not amused--he's quick, this one--and after saying he could cancel, me telling him not to cancel, and debating back and forth, we decide to get together after the meeting. The meeting was only from 7:00 to 8:00, he was all of 15 minutes from his place. While he is at the meeting, I am going to go rent a movie and get gas, and wait at his apartment.

During dinner, he gets flirty and makes it known he would like sex before the evening's over. I wasn't feeling overly sexy, but I also knew that if we started making out, I would get there fast. I was basically willing and able, and it had been well over a month since we had last been intimate.

Things progressed well, basically. We watched The 40 Year Old Virgin--which is an incredibly long 2+ hours, seeming even longer when two horny are watching lots of nudity, sex and innuendo. Before the credit scene was over, Professor was seducing me. It was long before we were in his bedroom. Shortly following that we were having sex, and he was really into it, a little too aggressive for my liking, actually.

Then, before either of us our done, he stops. He can't do this. He can't have meaningless sex. He can only be with a woman he loves. He misses his wife, and I am not his wife.

Wordlessly, I rolled off the bed and got dressed. He was trying to talk to me and tell me it wasn't me. He was tempted to tell me after the movie that he wanted the evening to end without sex, but he is too immature. He wanted a response from me, but I just couldn't say anything at this point.

After walking out of his apartment on the verge of tears, I turned back to say something, but he had locked the door behind me. I went back to my car, at which time he opened the door to ask if I had forgotten something. I said I wanted to say something, but just forget it.

But I couldn't, and so I called him on the way home to say I understand if he doesn't want a sexual relationship, but to tell this to me in the middle of a sack session was just hurtful.

The last guy I fell for, I mean truly liked, much more than Professor, even, told me at the moment we were about to have sex for the first time, that he couldn't do it. He was still having issues from his last relationship. Before that, a relationship of 4 months, no nookie, although the oral stuff was good.

He told me that was my own ego and not his fault. He has always thought I was not just attractive, but gorgeous. I'm not feeling so gorgeous these days, though.

He continued talking, asked if there was anything else I wanted to say. On the verge of crying, I kept silent and just hung up.

THE RESEARCH IS IN!!!

The guy who claimed to be a gynecologist IS a gynecologist!

Seriously, I was a little worried when I did a search and found someone saying he is a "subliminal gynecologist" with the same, very unusual first name.

But, we are now e-mailing off of the website where we met, and when he replied to my e-mail, his last name was attached. Did the search, found where he practices, and it has his picture, so I know it is really him.

In related news, he works with infertility issues, so he can make sure we have kids of our own someday!

That was a joke, BTW.

YIPPEE!

Seahawks going to the Super Bowl!

Saccharine/Sweetness

I didn't hear from him last weekend, no e-mails. A PMS moment hit, and I sent an e-mail saying that I can only assume that I am getting the blow-off again, which is a shame, because I enjoyed hanging out NYE.

Three days later he tells me his e-mail was down and he had just gotten that e-mail. He was really hoping I would call him.

I replied, "You have a certain history, and the phone works both ways.
I assumed I was being blown off again, in which case there is no reason to call.

Your move."

I got a simple, "Yes, ma'am. I understand. I never meant for you to feel like you were being blown off. I'm really sorry."

That was Thursday, not a word since.

I am totally over that one!

The weekend update...

My Thursday night date is very nice, funny and smart. I had a lot of fun hanging out with him, but I really didn't feel a physical connection with him. I would go out with him again, and I think he would remain friends even if nothing romantic happened. He said as much before we ever met.

I canceled my Friday date. I felt crummy, and he was really sweet about it. I now regret it, because I think I will have a lot of offers to go out next weekend, and I can't blow this guy off twice. Maybe drinks Thursday would work with him.

I am down 3 pounds. Still REALLY bloated from the period. I was under points for a few days from just not having an appetite while on my antibiotics. During that time, couldn't lose an ounce. Now that I am back on points, and one or two over, I am dropping again--albeit, slowly.
Just so you know, it IS really important to get your points in. I may go crazy and try to start working out again! ;)

GO SEAHAWKS!!!

Since my beloved Rams totally sucked this year (but we did find a new coach--who is kinda good looking!) and the footballer whose charity I volunteer for is now a Seahawk, this is all I can say about the playoffs.

I would like the Steelers to beat Denver, but it isn't such a huge deal to me.

That's all I have to say about that.

If you are feeling a little cynical today...

My equine therapy group has been on winter break. That is why I haven't mentioned it in some time. I needed the break, so it has been a good hiatus for me.

Today I got a letter from the charity, giving information about various projects and fundraisers going on, the new sessions, and an update on some of our participants.

One little girl donated her Christmas money to us because she really didn't need anything else, and we have meant so much to us, she wants to return the favor.

A little boy who is dying has a last wish to ride his pony one more time. We are preparing to put Foxie, his pony, in a trailer and take her to him at a moment's notice. He Make a Wish request is for our group to get more saddles that are designed for children with physical disabilities. (We get a lot of regular saddles of all shapes and sizes donated, and they are put to good use, but the specialty saddles are hard to find and expensive to buy. It limits the number of children we can service with a physical disability that requires a special saddle).

I a world full of greed and selfishness, these little jewels we work with always remind me of the innate goodness is people.

Because God has a sick sense of humor...

I actually have two dates lined up!
A Thursday date and a Friday date.
Go Miss Bethie!

Two dates, while I fight a bladder infection and start my period.

Ain't life grand?

On the horizon?

In case you have yet to notice, I am a bit neurotic.
So, when an incredibly buff, nice-looking man, who claims to be an OB/GYN, who makes over $250,000, is interested in me, I become a little suspicious. Call me crazy!

Unfortunately, all I have is a first name. It is an unusual first name, and I did a search, and I had a few hits, but I am not sure if any of it had to do with him.

BUT, if one them if right, he is some clown who is a poet and refers to himself as a "subliminal gynecologist." Interesting.

If he is on the up and up, I guess I shouldn't ask him about my bladder infection, huh?

Its pronounced Rafe, actually...

I have a humongo crush on Ralph Fiennes. In movies like, The English Patient, Quiz Show and The End of the Affair, he is my physical ideal.

Tonight my dreamboat was on Inside the Actors Studio.

Besides having a charming English accent and penetrating blue eyes, he is an environmentalist and would be working to save animals and stopping pollution if he weren't an actor. [sigh].

And I though it was a stodgy pretty boy!

Rundown on the Boys

I had to cancel a date when a family situation I would rather not discuss popped up.

Other than that...

Professor, a.k.a. FWB, was supposed to call before his trip, and e-mail me during his trip. He did neither, which I knew would happen.

I am supposed to take him out for his birthday, but, since he delayed, he is going to have to wait. I have a date Thursday and another one for either Friday or Saturday.

Professor is bad news--but I crave him--physically, and even emotionally when he isn't closing himself off.

Thursday night's date is a funny, intelligent guy whom I have never been able to get off the phone under three hours.

Weekend date is from Holland. Believe it or not--he grows tulips! What a stereotype!

There is a second guy emailing me originally from Denmark--isn't that odd? And one other who seems somewhat promising.

Taking my profile down for awhile, though.

I am not feeling confident or sexy enough to date, so I need to focus on myself physically, psychologically, and whatever.

Tales from the Scales

I am still using the WW system--or should I say, I have rededicated myself to the WW system.
But there is this Weight Commander thing I downloaded, (found on Dottie's website, or you can go directly to weightcommander.com) and unlike WW, it has you weigh daily.

So, here are a few things I found...

I am a freak of nature who weighs the least mid-afternoon, rather than first thing in the morning. I have weighed myself over and over and this is what I have found.

My weight also seems to fluctuate hourly, regardless of whether or not I have eaten anything or, ummm, evacuated anything in that time.

In two days, I have lost over 2 pounds. I only wish I could lose a pound a day! I would be a full-fledged hottie at the ski trip, and ready to date almost anyone or anything thrown my way!

I am making great choices, and not feeling too deprived. When I am wanting a snack, I usually wait it out. If after a half-hour I still want it, I figure it is physiological rather than psychological, so I must need to eat. Then I make a healthier choice.

I have stayed within and even UNDER my points for 5 days. (I know under is not good, but I am going out to eat twice this week, so I am "banking" them in my own mind.)

So far, so good.

Keep wishing me luck!

I'm a Hypocrite!

But I am a hypocrite because I am intolerant of intolerance.

A student today made a derogatory "towel-head" comment during a lesson. Luckily the Pakistani student normally in class was not there when it happened.

I very calmly told the student he had to leave my room. (Did I mention this is the HUGE student who has a history of swing at and throwing chairs at his teachers? Yup.)

Shortly there after, the Pakistani student returned and saw the jerko student in the hall.

Later that day, he asked that kids why I had kicked him out of my room, because that is such a rarity for me.

Fortunately, Jerko had enough sense to not repeat it.

Two more minor victories

Last night I had one, and only one, Dove milk chocolate Promise for that one point I had to spare.

Third day in a row on OP!

Plugging away so I look less like a plug!

Right on!

Match.com has a new branch that is a bit like eHarmony. I have a free membership since I am a member of Match.

So, there are these tests and questions to complete, and they determine who you are and find matches for you from there.

Here is what it said about me...

You are a NEGOTIATOR/builder

You care about the big picture. You are comfortable with large, ambiguous issues. You carefully weigh all of the variables involved, and regularly come up with imaginative solutions to complex problems.

You are friendly and humane. You have a big heart; you tend to trust people and sympathize with them easily. You want to make others happy and self-confident. So you work to build supportive networks among friends and kin.

Your empathy and kindness spill over into a desire to make the world a better place. And with your resilience and creativity, your ability to do many things at the same time, and your cleverness with words, you can be remarkably effective at improving the lives of others.

You are ambitious for your family and friends, but not always for yourself. You like an environment of sharing and consensus and you enjoy working in teams and planning long term.

You tend to be socially well-adjusted and skilled at inspiring others to reach their goals. So you are an empathetic and engaging companion.

I think they may be on to something! :)

Yeah for me!

I have put on some of the weight I lost. It has been gradual; I have been in denial. My confidence has slid down hill and smacked into a fence.

I decided to get back to plan with Weight Watchers. The program helped me drop three and a half sizes. I needed to drop more, but I maintained for well over a year without gaining, without really trying. That is something.

This is my second day on plan (OP for those not familiar with the lingo, although many of my readers know me from when I used to be on that board). I have stayed within my points DESPITE grabbing fast food yesterday and mom's home cooking tonight(MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY!!!).

I didn't weigh before I got back on track, and I haven't weighed myself yet this week. Still, I am optimistic that this is going to go well for me.

Wish me luck and if I do well, I may even track it here. What the hell else have I been up to on here?

OH! And only 5 weeks until the ski trip! My favorite annual activity! (If that isn't reason enough to lose weight--tough enough to not look fat in my heavy, frumpy sweaters--what is?) (Oh yeah--looking hot for my dates. I almost forgot about them.)

The toothers...

If you know me, you know I have an almost unhealthy compulsion about my teeth. I am going through whitening strips right now. It has been about two months, maybe close to three since I did that last, which could actually be a record for me. (BTW--Oral B/Rembrandt strips are so much better than Crest, which I am using this round, because I had a coupon. Don't like 'e, as well.)

Anyway--so I have this tooth sickness, and yet, I also have this deep need to get poppyseed bagels anytime I get bagels on my way to school.

Why is that?

EUPHORIA!!!

I LOVE JON STEWART!
I LOVE THE ACADEMY AWARDS!
JON STEWART IS HOSTING THE ACADEMY AWARDS!!!
{SWOON!}

The Current Boys

Saccharine and I are dating again. For those not familiar or who don't remember, Saccharine and I dated last year, errrr, well actually, the year before. He was sweet, came to save me when my car broke down. He was my Sweetness. Then, after deciding to date exclusively, he fell off the face of the earth.

The little Dutch-boy. He's from Holland. I'm really crazy-creative that way.

Coincidence-guy. We both teach 8th grade special education. He used to be a skating guard at the roller rink I went to in junior high, and worked there while I was going there. He lives in the same area as me, too. We have a lot in common, but I am just not feeling it.

Frazier. He is pretentiously intelligent. Funny, nice, but tries to hard to impress me with his intellect. He is interesting, yet annoying. Sexy voice, though.

Basketball-boy. He is a assistant coach at a college. He actually scouts high school kids and is currently looking at one of my former students. One of my favorite students!

There are several guys who have contacted me, but I just haven't had the time to respond. They get an automated response that I am unavailable, but will respond when I return.

Maybe my Prince Charming is still around the corner.
Or maybe I should have married Darren over break.

Saccharine

Saccharine and I went out for New Year's Eve. We didn't bring in the new year together, but we had dinner (YUMMY!) and saw "Good Night, and Good Luck." (Professor and I talked about seeing it, but we never did. He suggested we go see it for his birthday, and was unhappy when I said I got tired of waiting around and saw it without him.)
It was nice and the awkwardness dissipated fairly quickly. He was, well, as his original nickname clearly proclaimed, sweet.

So, we talked briefly yesterday, and tonight he called and didn't so much as ask me out for Friday, but rather told me.

I told him I would have to see what I have going on.

After all, I AM talking to 4 guys besides him and Professor!

(Named in the next post.)

I'm still MISS Bethie...

The most fantastical friend in the world, Darren, took me on a three-day trip the a beautiful spa resort in Scottsdale, AZ. I had massages, body wraps, deep hair and scalp conditioning, manicure, pedicure, salt scrubs and lots of R&R.

He was stressed, he knew I was stressed, and it was a great getaway for us.

And one night, after a little too much champagne in the jacuzzi, we seriously considered flying into Vegas and getting married.

Why not? He is funny, intelligent, successful, and damn good looking. We get along great and I adore (most of) his family.

But, neigh. I love my dear friend, and I know he would say the same about me. But just because you love someone as a friend does not translate to loving that person as a husband/wife.

So, yes, I am still single. I am still out in the crazy world of dating, and I still am STILL to keep a sense of humor about it all!


STRINGING ALONG...

In related news, The Professor is now totally jealous of Darren. As well he should be, since Darren, who does have issues, is still less dysfunctional that the professor. But then again, so am I!

Seriously, Darren was a mess in college, but has totally straightened himself out.

So, I tell the professor I just got back from Arizona. He asked who I went with...

"My buddy, Darren."
"So you got laid?"
"No."
"Did you have separate sleeping quarters?"
"No."
[pause]
"The room had separate beds?"
"No."
"So, you slept in the same bed, then."
"Yeah."
"You mean to tell me, you slept in the same bed and didn't fool around?"
"I didn't say we didn't fool around, I said I didn't get laid."
[LOOOOOONG pause]
The conversation went on from there, and included me saying that Darren is handsome and rich.
Professor asked if I was holding out for a middle-aged man going through a divorce who is a complete mess.
"I'm not holding out for you, Professor. You have made it abundantly clear that you have no romantic interest in me."
"I never said that! I'm just a mess now and can't be in a relationship!"
"I know that, but you also have told me, several times, that you couldn't be with me and that we would kill each other long term."
"When did I say that?"
"Every time you are being a smart ass and I give it right back to you. You told me you like girls who just smile and take it. I love that you want me to be passionate in the bedroom, and maybe even when the discussion is politics, but no other time."
"It was a JOKE! I love that you have a rapier wit!"

I think he was just worried about losing his FWB and was trying to appease me.

He, of course, had to tell me what a rough time he is having, and I, well, didn't exactly yelled, but piped up, "You know, you aren't the only person going through stuff! I have been depressed and crying and that is why Darren took me to a spa resort! He was trying to help me!"

He asked what was wrong, I didn't want to tell him, because I knew I would cry.

"Bethie, did someone hurt you? Did something happen to you?"
"Not to me."
"It is your kids, isn't it? Did one of them pass away?"

So, I cried a bit, trying to tell him about the two kids from previous ski trips who relapsed. About Charlie who is on so much morphine he didn't even remember me, not to mention I barely recognized him.

In a very sincere voice he told me that he wants me to talk to him, to lean on him when things going badly and when I am upset. He knows I would do the same for him. Of course he is right.