Men...

aren't nearly as intuitive as I give them credit for.

For the second time in a week, a man has told me how confident I am that I seem like a leader.

I hope when I go on job interviews in the near future, men conduct all of the interviews.

Actually, I just hope I get some interviews soon.

Why there is a place in hell for me...

I cancelled on the Dutchman.

That and I don't have the balls to tell him I am just not interested.

Why there is a place in heaven for me...

State Standardized testing.

I've paid my penance.

Dutchman...

Is still calling, although not nearly as much as he used to. Thank God.

I did finally return his calls today.

He wants to grab some dinner this week.

My spine still is at the cleaners, so I said yes.

OY!

Second date...

Still no kissy-face.
Now, to be fair about it, there was not really a good opportunity. I made the mistake of parking too close to a bar, so that when he walked me back to my car, there were people all around. He is a shy guy, as far a physical contact.

And that is probably a good thing for me at this point.

But, once again I am a little hoarse from talking and laughing all night. He loves(so he says)the stories I tell. He is a great audience.

He is probably one of the most content people I have ever met, and nothing seems to get him too riled up. He has an easy, loud laugh, and is easy to talk to. He is the kind of guy you call when you need to move your refrigerator. He is unpretentious and likes mankind. He doesn't seem to judge, but still laughs at stupidity--especially his own.

I am meeting him Friday to do trivia night with his sister and her co-workers. I like his sister already, just from what he has told me about her.

We also have a fourth date set-up, going to see the new Busch Stadium when they have an open-house tour in a couple of weeks.

I am not feeling the full-on physical, sexual attraction that can be so exciting. I am, however, feeling that comfortable, "I-feel-like-I-have-know-you-for-eons", thing that makes relationships endure. And ain't that grand?

Its official...

I received my letter yesterday saying that my resignation has been accepted.

I knew they wouldn't beg me to stay, but it still stings to see it in writing.

Blah, blah, blah...

If you have ever watched Will & Grace, you may recall an episode when Grace is trying to break it off with Will's boss, (the late, great Gregory Hines) Ben. Every time Grace tries to break it off, Ben says he doesn't accept that, then says he'll pick her up at 8:00 and whatever.

So, last night, I was talking to The Dutchman, who is very, very nice, but I am just not interested in a romantic relationship with him. I explained that I was just too busy and not in the mindset to date right now. With looking for a new job, and everything else, I just don't have the time.

He said he is busy too, and he is not looking to rush a relationship. He doesn't mind waiting and taking his time. So, he'll call me later in the week to see if I have time to do something with him this weekend.

I really need a spine. I just said, "we'll see." He is such a nice guy. I WISH I did like him more, but I just don't.

But there is a guy I am kinda-sorta dating. I may just like him. Wasn't planning on it, but there it is. Need a nickname for him, so let's call him Sir Laughs-a-lot. He may have a louder laugh than me. THAT, my friends, is saying something. And we laugh so much when we talk or when we are together, that I am hoarse the next day.

Beyond that, word is out that I resigned, even though I have only told 2 people. It really irks me, but what can you do?

Here is where the problem comes in--Looney-Lindsey. She is a special ed. teacher with an alternative program in our district. She is NUTS. Really. She is offensive, unprofessional, and has managed to alienate my team.

She is putting in for my job. They are going to absolutely KILL me if she is my replacement.

That is the update on me. I think I am down to two people reading this, and they usually hear directly from me. Still, there is some sort of strange catharsis in typing it out, so I guess I will continue doing just that!

Old friends and new revelations

My buddy Kevin called me this week. We were buddies when I worked at The Store of Knowledge. I was the oldest at the store and always felt rather maternal towards him. He is a great guy, and something totally unexpected happened with him...He grew up!

I was never sure whether or not Kevin would ever grow-up, and I don't mean that in a bad way. He was always a free spirit and went to the beat of his own drum.

But, Kevin met a girl. They picked up and moved to North Carolina rather unexpectedly, neither of them having a job set-up.

His girlfriend got a job in her field and Kev managed to start rehabing houses and is now actually making a great living at it. And now they are engaged. They will get married this September, and in a year and a half to 2 years plan on starting a family.

I am honored that I am invited to the wedding and can't wait to see them tie the knot. She makes him totally happy, which can only make me totally happy for both of them.

And if Kevin can grow up and find love, surely I can do the same!

I speak of Darren quite often, and he even makes the odd post here and there.

I met Darren because I dated his brother for 2 years in college. James and I remained the closest of friends until he married a shrew. (Darren's word for her. Not mine. Although he has totally hit the nail on the head with that one.)

James' wifey-poo was out of town this weekend, so he made it a point to call and talk to me. It was fantastic to hear from him and catch up.

James is a very successful, prominent psychiatrist in Boston. He did not know about my rape until fairly recently.

He made a comment to me in his usual perceptive, understated way.

He asked what I was doing when he called, and I told him I was watching all sorts of crime shows, SVU, American Justice, and several others.

"I'm not surprised that you are addicted to those shows."

"Why is that?"

"Because those violent criminals are almost always caught and brought to justice."

He is right. I cry whenever I watch SVU, but I always feel a small, very small, sense of vindication when the show is over and the bad guy is in jail, or better still, has met his own violent end.

I will most likely never have closure on my own rape. Even if they caught this guy, he left no DNA on me, so there would be no way to tie him to me. I didn't get a real good look at him, and the statute of limitations has come and gone.

According to St. Louis City, who notoriously doesn't follow up on sex crimes and often lose files or talks victims out of trying to find their rapists, I wasn't even raped. I was assaulted because he used a dildo rather than his penis.
I am sure if it had been stuck up one of their asses, it would have been a different term, but whatever.

Anyway, I always feel like a new, better person after talking to James. I know he must be one fantastic psychiatrist. He made me feel whole tonight, and that my emotions are mine and to embrace them.

I may always have some "quirks" as a result of my attack, but in the grand scheme, I am doing better. And while Professor did some damage to me in an emotional way as far as consentual sex is concerned, I am glad I was able to get the awkwardness of getting back on the sex-horse after a long hiatus. Now I can focus on a healthy, normal relationship where the focus is emotional and intellectual first, and abstain from the sexual aspect until we are getting ready to boil over. And when we hit that point, it will be FANTASTIC--the relationship and the sex.

Should old acquaintances be forget...get back in contact with them. It is good for the soul.

FFS

I am not amused about getting older.
Quite frankly, I get depressed that I am about to turn 36 and I am still single, no hubby, no kids.

So, imagine my reaction when some average-looking 32-year-old Joe on eHarmony states I am too old for him.

There are plenty of men in their 40s, 50s and 60s that think I am just dandy.

And actually I have plenty of men my age, and a few younger. And many better looking than this clown.

Still, I am pissed that someone would be that insensitive to someone they never met.

Thanks, Big D!

While about to have a nervous breakdown, Darren, and many others gave me soem great pep talks.

Darren also sent me 30 tulips!
He's the greatest!

My (Belated) Oscars Wrap-Up

Jon Stewart did a very good job. He is better on his show--but on basic cable with his own audience, what do you expect.
He had some great lines, though, and was the most entertaining part of the show. (Him and George Clooney. I wanted to be the meat in their sandwich at the beginning of the show!)
At first I was not surprised by any of the winners.
Then they announced best picture.
Ouch.
I saw four of the five nominations.
Crash was my least favorite.
Not to say I didn't love it, because I did.
But it was too contrite and forced.
If you want to see a fantastic movie about race relations, try the French file, Hate. Say what you will about the French, they make phenomenal films. I just saw Cache last week and was blown away.
Actually, I thought The Constant Gardener was a better movie than Crash.
Still, this year's nominees were all excellent movies and all deserving of the accolades they received. I would have preferred either Brokeback Mountain or Capote to win, or even Good Night, and Good Luck, but was thrilled to see that this year's movies were about more than cinematography and actors using accents and prosthetic make-up. This year was about social conscience and substance.
I hope they keep the bar raised!

Totally Psyched!

I love the Oscars. I always have. I even sit with my ballad and my family and we keep track and discuss it as it progresses.
I was particularly excited about this year, because there are so many great movies and fantastic performances this year. I saw all of the Best Picture nominees, with exception of Munich. (And mainly because the scene of those masked gunmen on the balcony is so haunting, I don't think a movie could do anymore with that emotional response.)

When it was announced that JON STEWART is hosting, I was over the moon!
I'm not sure this venue will show the genius that IS Jon Stewart. But I will be watching, and swooning, and thinking that this short, funny, intellectual Jewish man is the sexiest thing on basic cable! :)

IN OTHER BIG NEWS...
My friend, Jeff, owns a local club called The Creepy Crawl. It is a bit of a St. Louis icon and many up and coming alternative bands play there.

Business has been so good that he is moving locations and the venue will go from 300 to 500, as well as being located in a better area. Bigger bands are trying to book there now, taking away business from a bar in a REALLY bad area across the river in Sauget, IL.

Congrats, Jeff! I am very happy for you and wish you much success!

OMG OMG OMG!!!

I resigned from my job today.
I don't have another job lined-up.
I want to be a teacher, but I need to be somewhere where the focus is the kids.

I am scared shitless!!!