The Morning After...
I called him in the morning. He said he was glad, but I would be surprised.
I told him that for him to say he doesn't like to screw but make love made me feel cheap because prior to him I never had rough, dirty talking, animal sex. For him to say this just isn't him is unfair and hurtful. He did clarify that by saying it was the way we had sex--he enjoyed that and it was better physically than he and his wife had, but he wants to be in love with the woman he is having sex with. I accept and understand that.
I then brought up that he is telling me I am insecure--which I know is true--but that in all of the time we have been together, last night was the first time we went anywhere together. And it was me paying to take him out to dinner. He got defensive and said we had coffee out twice and that we took the bike to the Central West End and had lunch and walked around in public. I said he actually went to dinner with the other girl. I feel like he never wanted to take me anywhere and it hurts when I know he did with her.
That is when things got ugly...
He told me, in a snotty way, that he is still friends with her, too, and she is cognizant enough of his needs that she knows that he isn't in any emotional place to have sex. She understands that he is not even divorced yet and that he isn't in a place to be in a relationship. So, I started crying, saying that I have been the one saying we need to spend time as friends, and I had no expectations last night, but almost immediately he started flirting with me and wanted to get together after his meeting. I always tell him to take care of himself first, then we can focus on "us" in whatever way we are - friends or more. I have been nothing but nice to him and have been very understanding and considerate and worry about him and have put his needs first, sometimes at the detriment of my own, which, I added, was my own fault and I was in no way blaming him for that.
He pointed out that it my own issue. I then said, though, that once again, He is the one comparing me unfavorably to this other girl. He is the one making me feel insecure by making me sound like I can't compete with her.
He said he never meant to hurt me, he admitted he is always the one pushing for things to become physical, and that he prayed for me last night that I find peace. He admitted to the things that he did wrong, although I have issues, too, that I can't project on him--which is true, but he projects far more than I do--and he was glad I called.
Sooo...we are now friends. Not FWB, but friends. He also said that if there is every anything I need, like to talk about the kids or something, that he wants me to call. I think he sees, too, that this friendship is more about me being there for him than he was for me. But it may be too late.
I hate to lose him as a friend, but I am not sure things will ever be the same after the blow-up, knowing he will never love me, which just makes me feel unlovable in general. And it is immature and insecure on my part, but I hate to think, too, that while going out as friends, he will STILL be comparing me to this other girl. Whom before he alluded he was no longer in contact with.
I just ache emotionally today. I am literally dehydrated from all of the tears.
I told him that for him to say he doesn't like to screw but make love made me feel cheap because prior to him I never had rough, dirty talking, animal sex. For him to say this just isn't him is unfair and hurtful. He did clarify that by saying it was the way we had sex--he enjoyed that and it was better physically than he and his wife had, but he wants to be in love with the woman he is having sex with. I accept and understand that.
I then brought up that he is telling me I am insecure--which I know is true--but that in all of the time we have been together, last night was the first time we went anywhere together. And it was me paying to take him out to dinner. He got defensive and said we had coffee out twice and that we took the bike to the Central West End and had lunch and walked around in public. I said he actually went to dinner with the other girl. I feel like he never wanted to take me anywhere and it hurts when I know he did with her.
That is when things got ugly...
He told me, in a snotty way, that he is still friends with her, too, and she is cognizant enough of his needs that she knows that he isn't in any emotional place to have sex. She understands that he is not even divorced yet and that he isn't in a place to be in a relationship. So, I started crying, saying that I have been the one saying we need to spend time as friends, and I had no expectations last night, but almost immediately he started flirting with me and wanted to get together after his meeting. I always tell him to take care of himself first, then we can focus on "us" in whatever way we are - friends or more. I have been nothing but nice to him and have been very understanding and considerate and worry about him and have put his needs first, sometimes at the detriment of my own, which, I added, was my own fault and I was in no way blaming him for that.
He pointed out that it my own issue. I then said, though, that once again, He is the one comparing me unfavorably to this other girl. He is the one making me feel insecure by making me sound like I can't compete with her.
He said he never meant to hurt me, he admitted he is always the one pushing for things to become physical, and that he prayed for me last night that I find peace. He admitted to the things that he did wrong, although I have issues, too, that I can't project on him--which is true, but he projects far more than I do--and he was glad I called.
Sooo...we are now friends. Not FWB, but friends. He also said that if there is every anything I need, like to talk about the kids or something, that he wants me to call. I think he sees, too, that this friendship is more about me being there for him than he was for me. But it may be too late.
I hate to lose him as a friend, but I am not sure things will ever be the same after the blow-up, knowing he will never love me, which just makes me feel unlovable in general. And it is immature and insecure on my part, but I hate to think, too, that while going out as friends, he will STILL be comparing me to this other girl. Whom before he alluded he was no longer in contact with.
I just ache emotionally today. I am literally dehydrated from all of the tears.
posted by Beth at
6:41 PM
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