The Realities of Miss Bethie

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I've got it bad--and that ain't good.

{WARNING: This post may ramble. I am a little discombobulated right now.}

I had a date tonight.
It wasn't the IM guy, nor it was it the doctor.
We'll call this boy--bald but beautiful, or BB (not to be confused with B3--although both have Harley's)
I thought he wouldn't find me attractive. I thought we wouldn't click.
Dang was I wrong!
The teeth--beautiful (he wore braces, although the bottom teeth have shifted a bit--not unlike yours truly), gorgeous eyes, wonderful sense of humor, well built, intelligent and same ethics/values that I have.
He told me I am "Damn gorgeous and totally sexy."
We couldn't help it. We made out like mad when he walked me to the car.
Shoot...I wanted to lean over when we were sitting at the bar and kiss him full on the lips--unannounced.
I haven't felt this giddy after a first date since the Art teacher, nor have I felt so let down.

If I told you he was in the military and in a week and a half leaves for 6 weeks for training somewhere, you may think--oh, that is the problem.
Sadly, no.
He is divorced.
No biggie.
He has 2 young daughters.
Not a problem.
He has sole custody of his girls.
Great.
He doesn't want anymore kids.
Maybe he would change his mind.
He's had a vasectomy to make sure that he remains the father of 2, and only 2 girls.

This is huge to me. HUGE.

He was so open about it, and so concerned about my reaction. He was up front and told me that he really has to work hard to be a great dad (his girls are 3 and 6) and decided after his divorce that while he would love to start over with a relationship and marriage (he is a hopeless romantic and knows his forever girl is out there), he knew he didn't want to start over with the family and kids, although those were some of his happiest times.

Part of me thinks to wait this out and see just how connected we are. I am usually very guarded, so to feel this instant chemistry is more than just raging hormones--although they were certainly on the job tonight, too.

What if he is the one, I let him go, and never meet anyone else?
Then I would not only be childless, but alone.
I am 35. I probably don't realistically have much more time to meet a man to fall in love, marry and have children.
Maybe it really isn't in the cards, and I am just meant to help my students, many of whom have bad parents, focusing on them, and not have kids of my own.

But then, part of me knows, at 7:30 tomorrow morning, I am going to see my niece, so beautiful, and perfect, and wonderful, and not be able to just give up on having my own kids. I would love to be a step mom if the guy, and the kids were right--and in both cases, they seem great. But I want to be a mom, too. I want that experience of birth, that bond that you have when you have carried the child. I want the baby experience. That holding, breastfeeding a new born. Teaching a baby to talk. Watching first steps.

Can he be so perfect and imperfect at the same time?

4 Comments:

  • Bethie, Bethie, Bethie. One step at a time honey. I know how important it is to you to be a Mom. But don't let that over-shadow a good thing right at the outset. Things can change. He may be at home re-evaluating the decision not to have any more children. Take it a day at a time. If he is the one, the love of your life, you will come to a solution that makes you both happy.
    Enjoy time with him, get to know him, let him get to know you. Don't put the emphasis on a long term, lifetime issue when you've only just met. Take some time to get to know each other...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:38 AM  

  • I totally know you are right. I also know that if we continue to date, and he tells me I am the only girl he is dating right now--although I did tell him I am communicating with several people and have some dates coming up--he'll be thinking about it, I'll be thinking about it. Sort of like the proverbial white elephant in the room.
    I know vasctomies can be reversed, but he seems addement.
    I wanted to say, "Would you adopt??? How about if I went to a sperm bank--would you be able to raise that child as your own???"

    And he IS going to be gone for 6 weeks--maybe I'll meet another great guy, or decided that I really like him.

    But I have probably been on close to 100 dates the last 2 years. I know instant chemistry--physical, emotional and psycholgical--are hard to come by. And a guy who thinks I am sexy even harder! ;)

    By Blogger Beth, at 7:10 AM  

  • You also want to remember, you can't build a relationship on instant chemistry alone. Chemistry won't hold you together when times are tough.
    Just keep an open mind : )

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:22 AM  

  • I agree...one date at a time. If this is the one, you will find away to make you both happy.
    Can't wait for the second date report!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:57 PM  

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