Phil the Gorilla, Part 1

So, some time ago I said I would share some of my (horrific/funny/ridiculous) dating stories here, and I have since not gotten around to it. I also have student stories that will make you weep, make you laugh, whatever.

Today's subject, though, is Phil the Gorilla, AKA Phildo. (For my friends from the Lou, Phil the Gorilla has meaning, if not, well, then it doesn't.) The first guy I dated for any length of time that I met online.

Phildo was not good looking, although something about his deep brown eyes really had me. In his ad, he described himself as athleticly built and his first e-mail to me went a little something like this...or, actually, exactly like this, as I copied and pasted it here.

Hi. I was home on my lunch break and saw your ad. Sounds like may have some things in common. My ad is attached so see what you think. Sorry no picture. My computer is a dinosaur and doesn't send picture in the format they require. Respond and I will be able to send one via email. You won't be dissapointed that is unless you don't like cute brown eyed brown haired well built, intelligent, funny men. Looking forward to hearing from you.

I guess you could say he had an athletic build, if your idea of athletic build is that of a bowler or a dart thrower, who has a nice, round beer belly. Intelligent--in so far as he could give me direct quotes from Rush Limbaugh and George W. Funny--well, he always had a smirk, but I don't recall him as being particularly funny. Nothing really stands out.

Okay, as I said, this was the first online boyfriend, so I was naive. I had had a myriad of bad dates, including a guy who pulled me into an alley and tried to feel me up, and another that to this day sends me mean e-mails because I was not interested. Phildo was a dreamboat in comparison, and my self-esteem was pretty piss-poor.

We went on our first date, where we met for drinks at a pub. He was dressed fairly nicely, and was nice enough, although his body language--sitting back in his chair, arms crossed over his chest (emphasizing the rotund belly) seemed a little stand-offish, but I could tell he was shier than me, so no worries.

He e-mailed me the next day and asked if I wanted to go to a Cardinals game with his brother and his wife and his sister and her husband that Friday. It was a little startling that he would make our second date a family affair, but what the hell? That must just mean he understands what a great girl I am and couldn't wait to show me off, right? Sure!

His brother was great and I really liked everyone. It was funny, though, because as soon as he went to the bathroom, his sister turned to me and said, "So, how did you and Phildo meet, anyway?"

Okay, I wasn't sure if he wanted his family to know how we met, after all, my family STILL doesn't know that I do the online thing. Fortunately we lived, literally, 2 miles from one another. I just said, "We've seen each other around." Good enough.

He was geeky and awkward, and it wasn't until the 4th date he FINALLY kissed me. I thought it was sweet and meant he wasn't a player. He did do a few inconsiderate things. He tentatively had made plans with me one weekend. A friend called and wanted to get together, and I told her if Phildo decided not to do anything, I would let her know. I never heard from him. I finally called him, in a rage. He was in a dark mood and just didn't feel like calling. After I calmed down and explained that I was waiting to hear so I could let my friend know what was going on, he was apologetic.

My brothers told me to dump him. But they are my overprotective big brothers--I expected them to say that.

Phildo and I started seeing each other fairly regularly. He was so close by that it was easy just to go there and hang out. Which was nice. He was a good cook who didn't particularly care for football. I was in grad school and working a second job and loved football. On Sundays he would make dinner and I would do school work while the Rams were on. After dinner, we would spoon on the sofa. It seemed like domestic bliss. He was a great woodworker, and made his own mantle for the fireplace, restored antiques, and was in the midst of building a sleigh bed. I was pre-nesting...imagining how wonderful it would be when we would be working in the yard on a Sunday, or fixing a nursery. Whatever.

He felt the need to tell me how much he knew about sex, but I sure couldn't tell by his actions. Things progressed very slowly, which was fine, but I also felt like he wasn't particularly attracted to me.