Confession Time
So, Beamer never called. Y'all are probably getting ready to say all sorts of things to comfort me, tell me he wasn't worthy, etc.
Here, for me, is what makes him particularly a hard case. I told him something I am about to tell you guys, and it is something that VERY few others know about. Even my family doesn't know about this. Put on your seat belts, it is going to be a bumpy ride...
I was sexually assaulted a little more than 5 years ago. I did the cardinal sin of walking alone to my car in a dark alley late at night, after a concert. In fact, police said that the fact I had been to a concert, my hearing was probably somewhat impaired, so I never heard the guy.
The good news is, he didn't use his penis. He penetrated me with a dildo, so I had no concerns about pregnancy, disease, etc.
The bad news is, he didn't use his penis. The dildo he used was large, he was rough, and it tore up my vagina and it had to be sewn back together. So, basically, I am a virgin again. I am 35, and my vagina is the size of a person who has never been penetrated. Between insurance and victim's funding, I was able to have it put back together, but to have the surgery needed to make it a more "usable" size I would have to pay out of my pocket, and I just can swing it. It is considered elective surgery.
Soooo...(Hey, Marie, do you understand now why Art Teacher being extremely well-endowed was a major issue???) I always am in the quandary, do I tell the guy, because if we have sex, he is going to wonder what the hell is going on that I am a 35 year virgin. But the very, very few guys I am up front with, freak out and never call again. My trust in Beamer was established. He had confided in me about some issues, so I felt this was a safe guy to tell. Besides, he asked outright when the last time I had sex was while we were fooling around. He told me the last time for him was the fiance 6 months ago, and he isn't one to just go out and have casual sex. I told him my story was complicated, but later on, while just holding each other, making plans for Thursday, I asked him if he wanted to hear something heavy, and he said yes. I confessed. Without crying. He hugged me, told me that was terrible. We then kissed goodbye and said we would talk Monday.
I don't normally cry when I tell the story, because it is no longer "up front" in my mind. I assimilated it long ago. The assault, that is. But sometimes, I feel like this guy--who was never caught--is still winning. He keeps me from having relationships. When I am aroused by a guy, and wanting to go further, I have to decide what to do; what to say. It isn't easy. I don't tell, they ask why I am so tight. (Can't even use tampons, for goodness sakes!) It is like I didn't fully disclose. I do tell them up front, they freak and leave. The baggage is basically gone. I don't cry over this. I don't think about it until this dilemma hits me upside the head.
Part of me wants to e-mail Beamer and let him know that sex with him doesn't mean I think he is "the one" if that is what his freak out is over. I am attracted to him and think we could have a relationship, but I am not willing to say it is forever. And it wouldn't be an issue ever again, now that it is out there. I mean, CRIPES! If my family doesn't know (there is a good reason for that I will post another time...possibly later today), it isn't like it is something I am constantly talking about. In fact, I just told a person I have been friends since shortly after this had happened, and she said she had no idea anything traumatic ever happened to me. She said she was impressed with the way I handled being held up at gunpoint, but really was clueless about this--which is the way that I like it.
Anyway, I am not sure what I hope to achieve from this post. I want to e-mail Beamer. I want to talk this out. Maybe he just doesn't like me. It may have nothing to do with this, but it sure feels like the 2 are connected.
What a morning. I am off to get a Diet Coke and then do some work.
Here, for me, is what makes him particularly a hard case. I told him something I am about to tell you guys, and it is something that VERY few others know about. Even my family doesn't know about this. Put on your seat belts, it is going to be a bumpy ride...
I was sexually assaulted a little more than 5 years ago. I did the cardinal sin of walking alone to my car in a dark alley late at night, after a concert. In fact, police said that the fact I had been to a concert, my hearing was probably somewhat impaired, so I never heard the guy.
The good news is, he didn't use his penis. He penetrated me with a dildo, so I had no concerns about pregnancy, disease, etc.
The bad news is, he didn't use his penis. The dildo he used was large, he was rough, and it tore up my vagina and it had to be sewn back together. So, basically, I am a virgin again. I am 35, and my vagina is the size of a person who has never been penetrated. Between insurance and victim's funding, I was able to have it put back together, but to have the surgery needed to make it a more "usable" size I would have to pay out of my pocket, and I just can swing it. It is considered elective surgery.
Soooo...(Hey, Marie, do you understand now why Art Teacher being extremely well-endowed was a major issue???) I always am in the quandary, do I tell the guy, because if we have sex, he is going to wonder what the hell is going on that I am a 35 year virgin. But the very, very few guys I am up front with, freak out and never call again. My trust in Beamer was established. He had confided in me about some issues, so I felt this was a safe guy to tell. Besides, he asked outright when the last time I had sex was while we were fooling around. He told me the last time for him was the fiance 6 months ago, and he isn't one to just go out and have casual sex. I told him my story was complicated, but later on, while just holding each other, making plans for Thursday, I asked him if he wanted to hear something heavy, and he said yes. I confessed. Without crying. He hugged me, told me that was terrible. We then kissed goodbye and said we would talk Monday.
I don't normally cry when I tell the story, because it is no longer "up front" in my mind. I assimilated it long ago. The assault, that is. But sometimes, I feel like this guy--who was never caught--is still winning. He keeps me from having relationships. When I am aroused by a guy, and wanting to go further, I have to decide what to do; what to say. It isn't easy. I don't tell, they ask why I am so tight. (Can't even use tampons, for goodness sakes!) It is like I didn't fully disclose. I do tell them up front, they freak and leave. The baggage is basically gone. I don't cry over this. I don't think about it until this dilemma hits me upside the head.
Part of me wants to e-mail Beamer and let him know that sex with him doesn't mean I think he is "the one" if that is what his freak out is over. I am attracted to him and think we could have a relationship, but I am not willing to say it is forever. And it wouldn't be an issue ever again, now that it is out there. I mean, CRIPES! If my family doesn't know (there is a good reason for that I will post another time...possibly later today), it isn't like it is something I am constantly talking about. In fact, I just told a person I have been friends since shortly after this had happened, and she said she had no idea anything traumatic ever happened to me. She said she was impressed with the way I handled being held up at gunpoint, but really was clueless about this--which is the way that I like it.
Anyway, I am not sure what I hope to achieve from this post. I want to e-mail Beamer. I want to talk this out. Maybe he just doesn't like me. It may have nothing to do with this, but it sure feels like the 2 are connected.
What a morning. I am off to get a Diet Coke and then do some work.
posted by Beth at
5:43 AM
2 Comments:
First, I want to come over and give you a great big hug.
It doesn't matter what the asshole used to assult you, it still should never have happened.
I know what you are going through in that aspect. I was in the same situation with two different people. Okay...that is a whole other story but if you ever want to talk about it, call me, email me, whatever. I am willing to listen.
I didn't have the same problem you ended up with.
All, and that ended up with was emotionally scars. Scars that will never heal.
My scars are somewhat the same as your physically one because it has prevented me from getting too close to any man, ever! Just ask my hubby.
Okay...onto Beamer. If it were me, I would email him. Tell him you would like to talk to him. Be nice. In the first email anyway...if he doesn't respond to that, tell him he is a spineless jellyfish.
Tell him exactly what you said here. Tell him that you didn't think he is the ONE forever but that you were willing to go the next step with him because you felt comfortable with him. So much so that you were able to share something so personal with him that you couldn't even share with your family and some of your dearest friends.
Tell him you wouldn't have be upset if he had been up front with you....what hurts is that he lead you on...thinking there would be a phone call. Why do people do this? I can never understand. I know you...you don't want to hurt the other person but, come on, not calling when you say you will...how does that not hurt.
What do you have to lose by speaking your mind? Will he hate you forever? Do you really care?
Either call him and ask if he can at least call you or email him and ask him to call.
Beth,
I hope this all works out for you.
You were right with telling him about this up front instead of him finding out on his own and then wondering what was going on.
Hugs, again.
By
Anonymous, at 4:41 PM
Thanks, Marie.
I might e-mail him over the weekend, from my other address, and say those things, because that is exactly what I am feeling. And maybe he just needs time to mull it over. Or maybe not.
Hugs back, babe!
By
Beth, at 7:54 PM
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