Clarifications...
Because I already received one e-mail from y'all... :) (And that is totally cool! Really!)
I didn't tell my parents, because just a month or 2 prior we found out that one of my brothers, who had been going through severe depression and we were seriously concerned about him trying suicide, had been sexually abused as a child. We didn't know that the weird guy who hung out in the woods behind us was abusing him. One day my mom found him chasing my brother, and she chased the old guy off with a broom, and he was never seen again. Not knowing the full story, the rest of the family would bring it up, "Remember when that crazy guy was chasing Inky (brother's childhood nickname) and mom ran after the old coot with a broom?" We had no clue what we kept stirring up. So...with parents dealing with that, I saw no reason to add this to the pile of worries. Besides, I am a daddy's girl, and I couldn't bear the thought of him looking at me differently, like I was broken. (Brother is doing well now, by the way.)
At the time of the assault, I was dating a guy, who initially was very supportive. He was the one I called, who was at the hospital and police station with me. But, understandably, it became more than he could deal with, so once the red tape was dealt with, and I just needed to heal, physically and emotionally, he was out of there. I don't begrudge it to him. At the time I did, but I understand how difficult it had to be for him, and I am grateful that he did everything he did to help me out at the time.
I did have issues. Of course I did. How could I not? I wasn't implying that life went on. It didn't. I was weepy and withdrawn, but most people thought it was because the boyfriend and I broke up. Mom and Dad were preoccupied with getting my brother through his ordeal, so they just chalked it up to the easiest answer.
Then I started eating, and I started spending money. It was a vicious circle. I got fat, and my already teetering self-esteem plummeted, so I bought all sort of junk I didn't need in an effort to make myself feel better. Thus, my current financial situation, which is improving quickly now, but it was a lot of work to get to this point. I hate having a second job, but I have to pay the piper and Visa. (And ironically, it was the second crime, the hold-up, that made me start losing weight.)
The police--some were great, some not so much. Because the guy didn't deposit any DNA, and he was covered completely with gloves, long sleeves, etc, so I have nothing under my nails from fighting back, there was little they could do. They suspect that he either was impotent or he was an offender in another state that releases sex offenders if they do the chemical castration. Rape is a crime of violence and not sex. If a man wants to rape you, he doesn't need a hard-on. They did do some checking to see if there were any chemically castrated offenders who had broken parole. There were, but there was no way of locating where they were or had been. I looked at mug shots, but the guy had a ski-mask on and I didn't look at him too much anyway. (My description of the robber, however--dead-on. I don't know if it was because I had been through the other that I paid closer attention, or if it was just because he was stupid enough to not hide his identity. The police were very impressed with his composite, though.)
The state paid for therapy for a little while, and I used it, and it helped. I was in a group session, and know I was one of the victims who was better off. But don't think that I am not bothered that my guy is still out there. I was ready to face my accuser, too. I had only had 3 lovers in my lifetime, so there was no way my sexual history could be brought into this, really. And those 3 were all long term relationships. (Yup--I'm a sexual geek, but whatever).
Anyway, so, Miss Bethie is relatively fine, but has to deal with the sex issue, making me relive it, look and feel foolish, and scaring guys away. So, yes, sometimes I freak more than a situation calls for, like when a guy stops calling, but it is because of this, and especially when I have confided the situation to him. It hurts all over again.
I didn't tell my parents, because just a month or 2 prior we found out that one of my brothers, who had been going through severe depression and we were seriously concerned about him trying suicide, had been sexually abused as a child. We didn't know that the weird guy who hung out in the woods behind us was abusing him. One day my mom found him chasing my brother, and she chased the old guy off with a broom, and he was never seen again. Not knowing the full story, the rest of the family would bring it up, "Remember when that crazy guy was chasing Inky (brother's childhood nickname) and mom ran after the old coot with a broom?" We had no clue what we kept stirring up. So...with parents dealing with that, I saw no reason to add this to the pile of worries. Besides, I am a daddy's girl, and I couldn't bear the thought of him looking at me differently, like I was broken. (Brother is doing well now, by the way.)
At the time of the assault, I was dating a guy, who initially was very supportive. He was the one I called, who was at the hospital and police station with me. But, understandably, it became more than he could deal with, so once the red tape was dealt with, and I just needed to heal, physically and emotionally, he was out of there. I don't begrudge it to him. At the time I did, but I understand how difficult it had to be for him, and I am grateful that he did everything he did to help me out at the time.
I did have issues. Of course I did. How could I not? I wasn't implying that life went on. It didn't. I was weepy and withdrawn, but most people thought it was because the boyfriend and I broke up. Mom and Dad were preoccupied with getting my brother through his ordeal, so they just chalked it up to the easiest answer.
Then I started eating, and I started spending money. It was a vicious circle. I got fat, and my already teetering self-esteem plummeted, so I bought all sort of junk I didn't need in an effort to make myself feel better. Thus, my current financial situation, which is improving quickly now, but it was a lot of work to get to this point. I hate having a second job, but I have to pay the piper and Visa. (And ironically, it was the second crime, the hold-up, that made me start losing weight.)
The police--some were great, some not so much. Because the guy didn't deposit any DNA, and he was covered completely with gloves, long sleeves, etc, so I have nothing under my nails from fighting back, there was little they could do. They suspect that he either was impotent or he was an offender in another state that releases sex offenders if they do the chemical castration. Rape is a crime of violence and not sex. If a man wants to rape you, he doesn't need a hard-on. They did do some checking to see if there were any chemically castrated offenders who had broken parole. There were, but there was no way of locating where they were or had been. I looked at mug shots, but the guy had a ski-mask on and I didn't look at him too much anyway. (My description of the robber, however--dead-on. I don't know if it was because I had been through the other that I paid closer attention, or if it was just because he was stupid enough to not hide his identity. The police were very impressed with his composite, though.)
The state paid for therapy for a little while, and I used it, and it helped. I was in a group session, and know I was one of the victims who was better off. But don't think that I am not bothered that my guy is still out there. I was ready to face my accuser, too. I had only had 3 lovers in my lifetime, so there was no way my sexual history could be brought into this, really. And those 3 were all long term relationships. (Yup--I'm a sexual geek, but whatever).
Anyway, so, Miss Bethie is relatively fine, but has to deal with the sex issue, making me relive it, look and feel foolish, and scaring guys away. So, yes, sometimes I freak more than a situation calls for, like when a guy stops calling, but it is because of this, and especially when I have confided the situation to him. It hurts all over again.
posted by Beth at
8:18 AM
2 Comments:
You say you got help but it seems it was for the hold up, right?
It took me a long time to even realize that I needed help and it was the weirdest thing that triggered my emotional breakdown.
I was fine for many years and then bam, one little thing (well, a few little things) and I was in bed and not eating, not sleeping, not going to work and not wanting to live.
I went through all of this with the support of my husband but to this day, my mom and dad no nothing and the thing that started all of this happened with them present.
I think we surpress things in your little brains and we have no control over when it will come back up.
I can't tell you that you will be fine...no one knows that but just know that there are people that care and we don't care what has happened to you (you know what I mean...I do care but it doesn't make me think any differently about you).
There are somethings you need to sort out yourself in your own way but just know we are all here.
And, one day you will find a man that will be there for you 110% as well.
By
Anonymous, at 4:53 PM
I did not get help for the hold up. I was the assault I had therapy for, and it definately helped. The hold up was small potatoes by comparison, so I didn't go to therapy for that, much to my brother's chagrin.
I hope you are right about the guy, because right now I am not feeling hopeful (see above post about how my evening was capped off. As usual, I was smitten, and the guy, not so much. A very strong theme, here).
I'll be better in a few days, and then this stupid cycle can start all over again.
By
Beth, at 7:57 PM
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